Two years. She was the most influential person in my life. I went through denial; for quite a while. I avoided anything about her. Her pictures. Her grave. My family. Memories. Then I pushed away anger, swallowed bitterness; I slowly opened myself up to using things that used to be hers trying not to think that they shouldn't be in my house. And now I'm finally working on acceptance. Wondering when the day will come that I'm not wondering if she heard our favorite polka on Sunday morning, or when writing out cards or invitations when will I stop addressing one for her. It will come. Peace will come. Some day; some day understanding will come.
Until then, I'll smile when Willow talks about Polka Gramma. My heart will both bubble over with joy and sink with lament when I hear a song we both loved. Tomorrow, when I take WIllow to her first band concert, I'll tell her about the woman who put the passion in me, the one who supported me, the one who would drive in a blizzard to see me play.
She is the reason I am me. And I'll never forget that or push it away.
I was in denial for a long time too. I would yell at people for taking her things to donate or even moving one piece of jewelry and I finally realized they were living in reality... I... not so much! I had to find other ways to hold on I guess! I love you. I hope you can remember many great days with her today! xo.
ReplyDeleteOh Jess, I totally am right there with you. Thanks for sharing, love the picture of you and Gramma. Much love!
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